Post-Exam Thoughts

I'VE FINISHED MY AS DRAMA! WOO!
(And by that I mean that I've done all my drama exams - if the results are terrible then I will have to re-sit this year.)

My late-night nerves weren't really that much of a deal, looking back on it. Although I'd got myself into such a state that I begun looking-up performing arts collage courses at 1am! It actually looks pretty interesting - there's a script-writing section which I really love the idea of!

When I did wake-up this morning, I couldn't control my nerves. I just wanted to not come in for the day and just cry about it. But I realized that crying wouldn't exactly get me anywhere, and not coming in wouldn't have helped either. So I managed to calm myself down on the way to collage.

It was pretty cool that in my Psychology we learnt about stress management and did a muscle technique - conveniently before my exam. The exercise involved tensing your muscles and releasing them, so you're aware when you're tense from the stress, so you can release the tension. You start from the head and work down to the toes. It was funny watching the class pull faces and sticking their chest out, aha,  and when our teacher told us to "tense our butt cheeks".

I even managed to convince two of my friends to try out the exercise at lunch time and even if it wasn't the best at de-stressing for that moment, them looking like twats while they did the exercise got them to laugh - so I guess it did work in that sense?

Our lesson rehearsal was so much better than last night's because our transitions had been smoothed and we all just had more energy and determination to do the best we could. At the same time it was much more relaxed, much like the day we performed a prior play. There wasn't any pressure to keep rehearsing, we ran it though a couple times and then just ate and chatted.

It was nice seeing parents come and support us - my dad came along to see it. I didn't tell him much about the play (a.k.a. all the 'references', aha) because I knew what he'd say about it. We're not really big talkers about 'the facts of life'.

Either way, our performance and all the others were great - actually lovely. And at the end of it all I recieved a 'well done' from my dad and a chipshop chicken and chips. 

:)

Pre-Exam Restlessness

It's the night before my first A Level exam and I'm feeling incredibly restless. I thought I could get a good night sleep but that doesn't seem to be happening...

I think most of this worry stems from the pressure of my drama class. The group I am with are incredibly talented and the way the grouping has worked out for this performance is that you've got really good, strong groups...except for ours. It's almost as if we've just been put together out of the scraps of who isn't as good. 

I mean, right from the start I always felt like a big fish in a little pond with this group. Right from the beginning they've had much more prior experience of practitioners and plays - I'd never heard of Stanislavsky and Berkoff, or been to see any professional theatre performance before starting this course.

And my confidence has already been knocked from the monologue performances we had to do. I really, desperately needed help finding a monologue and sure, I was given 2 but when I performed them my teachers told me that they disliked them both. When I did find a monologue that I felt comfortable with, it was already too late to do anything about it and I ended up having to do a monologue that came from a play that two other girls were doing. 

What made this even worse was that mine was the weakest of the three performances, and of the ENTIRE GROUP. I knew it, the group knew it and so did my teacher - but he was too busy working on other people's monologues, making sure theirs were finely tuned to even help with mine.

It even came to the point on the day before the performance where he told me that he didn't have time to watch my performance because he had someone else's to see. And that someone had perfected theirs and already had an extra year of drama - but nope that doesn't matter! 

I thought part of drama was getting a variety of actors, putting them together for a production and making something magical - diversity makes for a better show? It's not the case for this, we're all like-minded people, put in like-minded groups and it just doesn't work as well.

Our group were initially going to do a play called East End Tales - which I thought was pretty good. People were telling us that everyone who had previously performed it had gotten an A. 

And sure it was a difficult piece, but we could have worked through it. Instead, we ended up switching to Once A Catholic and, don't get me wrong because it is a good play, but looking now I can't help but feel we've thrown away a Grade A shot.

I just also feel quite down with my role. My teacher knew I struggle with angry characters because of our performance of a previous play, but instead I got given the most aggressive character in the play because I'm not 'small' or 'look right' to have been one of the school girls. I'm looking at the script and I keep thinking to myself 'I wish I could have had this part' and 'I would have done it this way'.

I'm just seen as the one that doesn't have a fixed character or personality, so I have to be the 'slot' to revolve around everyone else. My characters don't show what I can do. That's why I'm dying to start A2 - because it's all about devising our own pieces and making our own impression. 

Today's tech rehearsal went shocking. Our class hadn't seen it yet, but they were just damn right rude when we were performing. I didn't sit there talking throughout their performance but they had the nerve to turn around and chat to each other throughout the whole thing. I mean, we have been practicing most days, working our asses off, and they didn't have the respect to watch it through - just because it isn't 'perfect'.

We have tried so hard to get things right, we have needed more time than the other groups, but the least they could do is show some goddam respect - they may as well just have shitted in the middle of the stage as far as I'm concerned.

And then our teacher told us that we're 'under rehearsed' and need to do a heck of a lot better. Well here's a bright idea - actually come and help us to get our shit together! Quit focusing on the people who are re-taking the entire year, despite the fact they promote themselves to be 'the best in the group' and have perfect their piece down to a T.

I've done giving a shit but at the same time I can't help but be anxious. It's the A2 devising that I'm staying for and also the opportunity to go to New York that we may or may not be going on (our letters for a £900+ trip in February still haven't been sent out) because I don't know if I'll ever get a chance again. At this rate it seems not likely...

I guess I just had to vent a little - I'm new to it but I'm not sure if its helping or not. I better try and get to sleep as it is 12:11am and my alarm goes off at 6:30am.

I'll speak to ya later,

Sam🐡

Yeah

I am writing this because I have had it for a while and I want to fill it with something so here is a picture of a majestic unicorn for your pleasure.